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Dr. Not an Expert

Here to solve all your issues, professionally underqualified 

Patient 002

I desperately need your help. I’m struggling to understand how to get over a guy I was seeing for all of four weeks — magical, shimmering, possibly imaginary weeks. 

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It started beautifully… until it didn’t. One night, when I asked if we could hang out, he said he was going to the pub with “a friend.” That same night, he was seen holding her hand, cuddling her, bringing her home, putting her in his bed — and then still invited me over. And the best part? He asked, with full seriousness, if I wanted to sleep in the bed with both of them. Apparently, this is just part of the normal early dating experience now? I thought this connection valued exclusivity. But that’s fine, right? He said he’d make it up to me. 

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Then he made me buy tickets for a DJ we both like, only to tell me he “couldn’t go” because he had to make dinner for a friend. Naturally, that dinner was so urgent and time-sensitive it could not possibly be rescheduled. So obviously I was the dramatic one. 

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Then he dropped off the face of the earth. Completely. I wondered if he was okay… and heard later he had been at an after-party for four days taking drugs with a Berlin polycule kink group. Maybe he just bonded with them spiritually? Again… this doesn’t seem to be too exclusive.  

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After that, he practically ignored me for three weeks — until I mentioned I had a birthday gift for him. Pure coincidence, I’m sure. He was suddenly texting me normally again - I’m sure he just missed me… 

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Then, I bought him another concert ticket to an artist we both love. He told me he’d be in England all week but would return in time. Except he didn’t return in time. In fact, he returned in time to be seen in the middle of a local club kissing a random girl. So curious how he managed that from England! Then, on the day of the concert, he texted that he was still in England and “wouldn’t make it back in time.” 

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Finally, he came over to pick up his sweater and gave me a heartfelt apology. He said, “I wasn’t lying — I was stuck in England.” Interesting, considering multiple witnesses saw him in a Scottish nightclub the night before. Teleportation, maybe? 

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Is this doomed? 
Or do you think a beautiful, blossoming relationship could still grow from all this? 

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I simply can’t make up my mind. 
Please advise. 

Wow! Well, I'm not an expert but...

Patient 001

My boyfriend opens the door for me too often. He also was a little too positive about me going on Mounjaro and has been supportive throughout getting skinny again. 

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Does he think I’m fat? He constantly makes dinner for us so I don’t know what the portion sizes are like. We work out together but he said it’s just healthy. 

Hmmm, I'm not an expert but I'd say...

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